Little Loves: November 2013

So it's been a little over a week since Sammie was born and I have been reflecting a lot on his birth as well as on Lizzie's. I never wrote about Lizzie's because it was too painful and upsetting for me for quite a long time. By the time I was okay with it she was much older and it seemed silly to be writing about months earlier. So I have decided now to write about both and hopefully make some sense to other people!

Before Elizabeth was born, I had all these thoughts about the perfect natural birth. I wanted to do it all on my own. I wanted to be strong! Millions of women throughout the years have given birth without medicine, without help from doctors... I wanted to be as strong as so many women before me. I am a little stubborn like that. But my plans didn't work out so well. My due date was supposed to be June 7th. Every doctors appointment leading up to that day had the same results- no dilation. Every check was the same. After a week, my doctor wanted to induce me and I was more than ready! So on June 14th Aaron, my mom and I went to the hospital. Even there I was checked and still nothing. One nurse optimistically told me I was at a one but I think she was being nice :) My cervix was holding her in tight! I was given some medicine to ripen my cervix which started my labor. After about ten hours the pain became unbearable. We labored through contraction after awful contraction until mom and Aaron were able to reason with me to get an epidural. We settled down after a bit and the nurses continued monitoring her heart. After each contraction, her heart rate would fall. It is supposed to fall with the contraction so they knew that something wasn't right. My doctor said he recommended doing a C-section but would give her some time and see if things improved. A specialist was brought in to provide a second opinion. The feelings going through me were of failure. I didn't want to do a C-section but I felt in my heart that Elizabeth needed that.

I don't know if any of you have seen the movie- What to expect when you are expecting- but I relate very well with Wendy :-) she planned and planned, even typed her birth plan! But ended up needing a C-section. We went to see that movie a few weeks before I gave birth and I remember crying during that part of the movie thinking that I would hate it if that happened to me. I cried for her, knowing that those desires were right there inside of me. I had those fears and in that delivery room they came true. Aaron and I talked alone after the doctors recommended this procedure and prayed about it. I cried as I told Aaron it was the right thing to do. A few minutes later, Aaron and my mom were prepped to come in the operating room with me. They looked adorable in their blue outfits :-) we had little sleep and no food all night long. They gave me some anti-nausea medicine that made me throw up a few times, ironic right? I began shaking as the adrenaline kicked in. The operation went very quickly and smoothly. The doctors were excellent. Before I knew it, I could hear Lizzie's sweet cry in the room. When she came out, we quickly realized what was wrong. Elizabeth was tangled multiple times in her umbilical cord. It wrapped around her neck, arms, legs, everywhere, multiple times. It was like a puzzle trying to untangle her. She didn't have any room to move or descend so it was good that we didn't try to push her out! I was stitched up quickly with Aaron by my side while my mom was with Elizabeth being cleaned up and examined by the nurses. I finally got to see my beautiful little baby girl! When everything calmed down we were able to nurse and bond. She was so perfect and the pains of labor melted away. I recovered physically very quickly but like I said it took a long time to heal emotionally. In fact, I don't think I had healed quite fully until last week when Samuel was born. I love Elizabeth and would go through it all again but I wished for so long that it could have been different. I would replay that night/morning in my mind over and over wondering if I could have done anything different. If I could have been stronger. I may have tortured myself a little bit... but it was a hard time for me.

When we decided to have our second child, I was both hopeful for that second chance- my chance to try a natural birth again, and terrified that the same thing would happen again. In between my two babies births, my older sister had her first child and was able to have the natural, beautiful birth that I had longed for. She was living in Japan at the time and my mom, Lizzie, and I were able to visit her. I struggled emotionally when I got there knowing that she did what I couldn't do. Over the next few months, she and I talked about our births often. She had a doula to support her and her husband during their delivery and she was training to become one so I asked her if she would be mine during this second birth. Together with Aaron, Sue and my mom, we planned and prepared to do a natural birth. We delivered Sam at a different hospital than Lizzie and my doctor wasn't able to deliver there so we worked with the midwives near the end of my pregnancy. On Nov. 10th we left Lizzie with Aaron's parents and checked into the hospital and hoped for the best. Just as with Lizzie, I had dilated maybe to a one... promising right? Instead of using medication to induce labor, they suggested we use something called the Cook catheter. You can look that up if you want to know how it works- I don't want to go into a lot of details ;-) Anyways, it started my labor nicely. The contractions were strong but bearable. We rocked together, we used counter pressure, we walked all up and down the stairs in the hospital trying to increase our dilation and labor. After about 20 hours, we were dilating nicely and when we reached an eight they asked if we could break the amniotic sac. We agreed and continued to labor after it was done. The pain became awful- very similar to the pain that I felt during Lizzie's birth. The midwives thought that I was ready to push and encouraged me for about an hour to try. Aaron was holding me and trying to work through the contractions that were increasing rapidly. I told him I didn't think it was working and didn't feel right. They moved me to the bed and checked my cervix again.... I was back down to a five! Apparently the amniotic sac had been pushing against my cervix and keeping it open more than it really was ready to be. Hearing that my cervix had closed a little was very upsetting. I cried and told them I needed an epidural. As they gave me the epidural the contractions continued to worsen. They came every minute and were awful! After the medicine began to numb my lower body, they checked my cervix again and in that hour from the last check, I was dilated to a nine!!!! I was so mad! Tears were streaming down my face as every person in that room stared at me. I didn't know what to do and I felt a lot of pressure from their stares. The nurse was trying to get a good reading on Sam's heart to make sure he was handling all those intense contractions okay. Well, he wasn't. His heart rate could barely be found so they used a small monitor that they stuck into his scalp and his heart rate was around 80 beats per minute. It should be around 130 normally so they were very worried. The midwives consulted with the doctor in charge and they suggested that we do a C-section. I said okay lets go now. They proceeded to explain it over and over that it was necessary. I kept saying okay, okay, okay. I think they felt bad that things had changed so drastically from our original plan. But for some reason, when those pains began earlier I knew that this would be the outcome. I knew that it would be okay and that Sam would be delivered through a C-section. So when they came to tell me their recommendation I was ready. Five minutes later, Aaron joined me in the operating room and shortly after that, Sam was delivered early Tuesday morning. He was a dark purple when he came out but he recovered quickly. Turns out, his umbilical cord was very short! It was ripped from the placenta when they pulled him out. He couldn't descend well either! We joked after that Lizzie's was too long, Sam's was too short, our next babies will be just right :) Anyways, for some reason I felt peace. After laboring for the first day without any medication at all, I realized that I was strong enough to go through labor. I felt that it was totally different than what I went through with Lizzie and so during that process somehow I healed from the pains of Lizzie's birth. Interestingly enough, we had the same ending with Sam and I don't feel those feelings of anger or resentment towards myself. I love my babies and would go through the emotional pains of a C-section a million times rather than give them up. I am so grateful for the advancements of medicine that allow them to arrive in this world safely. I don't know if they would have been okay had we tried to do a vaginal birth, but I am grateful for the guidance from my Heavenly Father. We weren't alone as we delivered either of our children. The decisions that were made were prompted by the Holy Ghost. I feel peace after Sam's birth! I feel peace reflecting on Lizzie's birth. Now we are home and loving the time with our two babies! No it's not easy but we are in love. I forgot how much newborns sleep! He is so gentle and content. Lizzie adores him! She gives him kisses and hugs all day long. The first thing she says when she wakes up in the morning or from a nap is baby?! She wants to know where he is and once she finds him and kisses him she can go on and play. She gets jealous when I am breastfeeding him and she wants my attention but overall she is coping with the changes very well. She is learning new words every day and when she says Sam it sounds more like Nam but its adorable. We are all loving this new little angel from heaven.

Well, I think this is the longest blog I have ever written but I hope if you have made it to the end that you enjoyed it. My hopes for the future have not changed. I still will attempt a natural birth (though we will wait a little longer next time!) and I am hopeful for that day. I love my family!!! Here are a few pictures of the birth and our family after. Enjoy!